Michele Saffier's Blog

Who is the addict in this relationship, anyway?

Posted by michelesaffier on October 19, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Sex addicts usually seek help because their behavior has caused deep harm to themselves, their partners, their family.  Sex addicts come to the office overwhelmed with shame, self-hatred, out-of-control obsession and an inability to stop acting out.  They feel possessed.  They are grasping at any lifeline they can find to get  ahold of themselves.  Obsession and compulsion have [...]

Empathy: The elusive emotion

Posted by michelesaffier on August 24, 2010 at 8:19 pm

 Can addicts develop empathy?  Do addicts naturally have empathy but are so self-focused they refuse to see their partners feeling side of an issue?  Is it appropriate to expect my addict partner to empathize with my pain?  As a sex addict should I have the capacity for empathy – and if I don’t is there something wrong [...]

Sexual Acting Out is NOT an expression of Love

Posted by michelesaffier on July 28, 2010 at 7:25 pm

A “healthy” expression of love involves safety, trust, holding the other as dear and precious as well as maintaining a balanced sense of give and take in relation to a valued other.  Love involves the experience of truly knowing and holding the other spiritually, emotionally and physically.  Love deepens over time as a couple grows to understand [...]

“I Feel Like a Fool For Staying”

Posted by michelesaffier on July 27, 2010 at 8:08 am

At one time or another in treatment, a partner of a sexual compulsive (addict) will say in a moment of deep despair “I feel like a fool for staying”.  What is she really saying?  What is the deeper  meaning beneath her words?  For many “I feel like a fool…” is an expression of a complexity of [...]

Questions: Helpful or Harmful?

Posted by michelesaffier on June 22, 2010 at 7:45 pm

I am reminded of the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) slogan “One drink is too much and a thousand are never enough”. When the discovery of your partners’ secret life is uncovered asking questions about the behavior is the surest method for feeling safe…