At one time or another in treatment, a partner of a sexual compulsive (addict) will say in a moment of deep despair “I feel like a fool for staying”.  What is she really saying?  What is the deeper  meaning beneath her words?  For many “I feel like a fool…” is an expression of a complexity of thoughts and feelings - involving pain, fear and love – competing with familial loyalty, shared memories, a deeply held ethical system of beliefs and values living side by side internally with a desire to rescue a crumbling marriage and world.

Partners, as a result of their trauma scan their environment.  They scan for potential triggers (images, people that may be a “turn on” to the addict); they scan for physical safety (will I be approached by an affair partner?); they scan for emotional safety ( will I be harmed by this person?).  Scanning for emotional safety means the partner is “mind-reading” others to get a sense of how the partner is perceived.  In other words, they are hyper-alert to how they are seen by those around them.  Does my mother think I should leave my addict?  Have my children lost respcet for me because I am staying?  Does my friend notice my decreased self-esteem and depressed mood?  Or, as one partner stated “Do I have the word STUPID” stamped on my forehead?

Partners are coping with internalizing the truth of the acting out behaviors (facing the truth), feelings of terror, embarassment (this is who I married?), fear (who is he?  will I contract a life-threating disease from him?), and mpathy for a spouse/partner who appears to be working a recovery program and feeling shame and guilt about their behavior.

The partner, who often is a nurturing and caring person, remains in the relationship.  The familial loyalty coupled with a deep sense of  relational commitment along with the witnessing of a sex-addict partner/spouse who is “admitting their wrongs”  moves the partner to hang in there.  Yet, partners have a nagging fear they will be fooled again, lied to again, cheated on again, have their heart broken again -Partners feel like a fool for trusting an untrustworthy spouse/partner.

What can partners do to combat this feeling?  In treatment, we encourage partners to face the reality of their situation.  We hold up “the mirror of reality” by discussing the acting out behaviors and the resultant feelings.  We set boundaries about what the partner will and will not tolerate (and enforce when the partner is ready), we teach partners to ask  questions in a self-respecting and self-caring manner, and we push through all the thoughts and feelings that may block facing the truth at all costs.

One of the goals of treatment is to enable partners to tolerate knowing what they need to know so that informed decisions to stay or leave are made – one step at a time. 

Remaining in a state of “not wanting to know”  or  avoiding treatment because this is “not my problem” keeps a partner in the dark.  In the dark, new information leaves one feeling stupid, a sucker.  Finding the strength to face all the facts and feelings will empower partners.  In a state of  empowerment  one does not feel foolish or stupid but rather feelings appropriate to their situation;  sadness, pain, hurt, hopeless, grief.

You are not a fool or stupid for staying. Those who stay love deeply.  Do not allow the love and loyalty to cause self-harm, though.   Do not remain in the dark.  Face all the truths.  Face all the horror.  Face all the pain.

With peace,

Michele Saffier

This entry was posted on July 27, 2010 at 8:08 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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