I am reminded of  the AA  (Alcoholics Anonymous) slogan “One drink is too much and a thousand are never enough”.

When the “discovery” of your partners’ secret life is uncovered asking questions about the behavior is the surest method for feeling safe.  Questions serve to empower a partner amidst a deeply disempowering time.  Questions enable the partner to “wrap their head” around the shocking information as well as  allow the partner to control the flow of information.  The shock is impossible to describe here.  How is one to make sense of and integrate such a discovery?  Barbara Steffens in Your Sexually Addicted Spouse states that “asking questions are a way to feel safe in an unsafe situation”.  Asking questions is essential for many. Partners report the questions  are unending.   Each answer generates more and more questions.  The brain is working overtime to integrate the information.  Partners feels anxious, agitated and overwhelmed by the intrusion of questions.    They report that the questions are often unwelcomed.  Often answers change over time as the addict becomes increasingly more aware of their own truths and is able to provide additional information. this, ofcourse, creates more questions.

In the first 3 to 6 months post-discovery there are many questions.  It is essential that the addict answer all questions as swiftly and honestly as possible.  Most information is divulged during this time by the addict. 

Therapeutic disclosure is often recommended during the 6-12 month period post-discovery.  It is at this time that the addict gives the partner a full account of all acting out behaviors and answers any remaining questions.

Disclosure marks the end of the “question” phase  for partners.  The deeper work of healing the betrayal wounds and looking toward rebuilding an honest and “conscious” relationship is ahead.

At this point, safety in the relationship  depends upon the addict becoming a  “person of integrity”.  Action speaks louder than words – the addict should be attending 12 step meetings regularly, work with a sponsor, attend group therapy sessions and see  a therapist  individually.     Partners move away from seeking safety externally (through asking questions) to tuning into their “gut” or intuition.  Although the questions are ever-present in their minds, partners work to reduce these thoughts.  Partners come to understand that the answers don’t heal the wounds.  The answers don’t promote connection.  Answers do not aid in forgiveness.

If the “question” phase continues beyond the first year of recovery, partners report being stuck in obsession. The partner is unable to sleep, eat, concentrate and is often spontaneously tearful or rageful.  The questions that initially served to help the partner feel safe begin to create a frightening state of unsafety and bitterness.  Questions have become self-harming.

A partner recently admitted that , after 1 1/2 years of recovery, questions initiate a dangerous dynamic in her relationship.  She asks another question, her addict spouse feels shame and shuts down, she interprets the shut down as “hiding informaton” and she becomes angry, accusatory and rageful.  The relationship becomes stuck and partner and addict feel discouraged and distant – and the addict has 18 months sober.

Just as the addict must stop all acting out behavior to reclaim integrity, the partner must move forward and let go of the questions to reclaim her life.            

I wish you well.

Michele Saffier

This entry was posted on June 22, 2010 at 7:45 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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