Sex addicts usually seek help because their behavior has caused deep harm to themselves, their partners, their family.  Sex addicts come to the office overwhelmed with shame, self-hatred, out-of-control obsession and an inability to stop acting out.  They feel possessed.  They are grasping at any lifeline they can find to get  ahold of themselves.  Obsession and compulsion have taken over their lives; if sex addicts are not thinking about acting out, they are acting out.

It is clear that the intensity, persistence,  frequency, and power of the behavior meet the criteria for addiction.  Although there is debate among mental health professionals as to whether sexual acting out is an addiction one thing is clear – Sex addiction specific treatment helps.  A combination of work with a mental health professional that is a certified sex addiction therapist  and attendance at 12 step meetings enable most sexual addicts to stop the acting out behavior.

12 step programs such as sexaholics anonymous, sex addicts anonymous, sexual compulsives anonymous and sex and love addicts anonymous are the the front line treatment sex addicts.  12 step  provide structure, a plan, tools to get sober, and most importantly, a fellowship of “fellow suffers”, others who experience the same problem and are getting well with the help of the program. 

As the sex addict progresses in recovery s/he develops a language, frame of thinking and community of sex addicts all of whom are speaking the same language and working on the same issues.

Partners often come in to the office in trauma – in crisis – trying to make sense of what has happened to them.  The discovery or disclosure of the sexual acting out is devastating.  One’s whole life spent with the addict seems like a lie.  Partners are highly anxious – they feel unsafe – have uncontrollable crying bouts, they are in a state of limbo unable to move past the shock of what they’ve found.  In therapy partners work through their feelings, gain understanding into the behavior and try to rebuild their lives and, they hope, their relationships.

Sex addicts often become angry and resentful that, while they are working hard to get and stay sober, their partner has not forgiven them.  Sex addicts often feel entitled to some empathy or, at least, a reduction in the sadness, fearfulness and always present mistrust.

It at this point that many sex addicts insist their partner must be a co-addict or codependent because they have not moved forward emotionally.  Sex addicts will often say to their partners “you need a program” or “work your program”, suggesting the partner is an addict without a 12 step program. 

While there are 12 step meetings for co-addicts where they can get emotional support from others in the same situation there is no evidentary research that confirms that partners are addicts.  In other words, although most of the sex addiction literature  labels partners as co-addicts there is no research evidence to prove this theory.  In fact, research recently conducted at University of California, Los Angeles and published in a peer reviewed journal has found that, in their study (which has been replicated) partners were healthy before they discovered the sex addicts secret and that their reactions are normal.  Most people faced with such a crisis would react similarly.

Partners are not addicts.  Partners do not need a recovery program to recover from the life-defining and life-changing crisis they have suffered.  They may go to Coda or S-Anon for emotional support.  Many partners report they are embarassed to tell anyone in their life about what is happening to them.  They find meetings helpful as often group members are the only people that know their secret.   Trauma reactions and the accompanying symptoms are not an addiction.

Partners do need unlimited support, comfort, transparency and honesty from their sex addict.  Partners need to see the addict work to save the relationship by putting the partners feelings and needs first, answering questions, following the prescribed treatment plan and telling the truth.  Partners long for empathy for their pain.  Sadly, most sex addicts are not fully able to empathize with the harm they caused their loved ones for several years into recovery as addiction is described as a “selfish and self-centered disease”.

Relationships that survive the trauma of sexual addiction and infidelity are those in which the sex addict makes sobriety and recovery a top priority – above career, pride or self.  Relationships that thrive are ones in which the recovering sex addict is humbly grateful that their partner stayed in the relationship and is therefore willing to do anything to save their relationship

With peace and serenity,

Michele Saffier

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