Jul 11
19
A partner (whom I will call Sandy) once told me that, prior to her husband’s disclosure to her of his many affairs, she was a confident, strong, compassionate and tender mother, friend, daughter and wife. Her husband, she noticed, was often angry and withdrawn, over-worked and over-giving to his clients as he was often working late or running back to the office to tend to some matter or another that couldn’t seem to wait until the next day. When stressed, he tantrumed like a child. He often compained that he felt trapped although there didnt seem to be any reason. He demanded care and understanding because he worked so hard. Sometimes he was vulnerable and loving and at other times he was hurt and rageful. Her husband seemed to have low self-esteem that did not increase with the flood of positive feedback that came often from the clients to whom he over-gave… an over-giving that was often at the expense of the family. Her husband seemed to be a black hole of need. He was quite accomplished in his career and yet did not believe in himself; did not see himself as a man of worth. That was how he appeared before disclosure.
After 32 years of marriage, Sandy’s husband admitted he had affairs with most of his female office staff throughout the years and many of his clients. He admitted to the affairs only after the latest affair partner called Sandy after being dumped. Sandy who was once a confident, bright and strong woman now felt foolish, unloved, unattractive, unsafe and (worst of all) needy. Her husband reported that he actually felt better than he had in years. He felt a return of old confidence, felt like the “fog” had lifted from his brain; he felt like a new man.
Throughout the next six months these differing realities deepened. He felt increasingly better and she felt increasingly worse. The opposing feelings and realities are indeed a truth of recovery from infidelity. Following are the differences we notice :
The Betrayer of Infidelity feels: The Betrayed partner feels:
Confident. ” I am becoming a man of integrity” Damaged. “I’ve been betrayed”
Loving; “I’ve never loved my partner more” Unloved; “I’ve never felt less loved or worthy”
Recommitted; “I’m beginning to see how much I Untrusting; “I’ve never realized until now how little
value our marriage” little the marriage meant to him”
Strong. Filled with integrity. “I’m an honest man” Unsafe and distraught; “How could he live a lie like this?”
Hope; “ I understand the healing process can take 3-5 years Hopeless. “Five years seems like a lifetime to deal with this pain.”
but I’m pretty sure I can complete that path to freedom
in a couple of years.”
The betrayer, once filled with guilt and shame and secrets, has reclaimed integrity. Secretive and shameful behavior has been replaced with self-awareness, openness, willingness and faith. And a new community of others who had done the same and understood.
The partner (the betrayed), once full of grace, confidence, trust and love is now living a lie. The betrayed partner is now filled with shame. The partner wonders if s/he is to blame for the affairs. The partner wonders if s/he is attractive enough, smart enough, exciting enough. The partner now feels alone, afraid and trapped. Embarassed to tell anyone about her partners’ behavior, the betrayed partner struggles with a depth of pain that feels like a personal 9/11; an earthquake of devistating magnitude; a tsunami.
As recovery continues with both partners receiving treatment we endeavor to increase empathy for the betrayed partners’ trauma through couples therapy. We encourage partners to join SANON and a partners group with others who have suffered similar pain. In time and with a lot of very hard work healing is possible.
With deep commitment to understanding the betrayed partners’ side and how the betrayer has come to behave in a manner outside of ones’ own ethical and moral values healing is possible.
With Peace,
Michele
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