A partner  (whom I will call Sandy) once told me that, prior to her husband’s disclosure to her of his many affairs, she was a confident, strong, compassionate and tender mother, friend, daughter and wife.  Her husband, she noticed, was often angry and withdrawn, over-worked and over-giving to his clients as he was often working late or running back to the office to tend to some  matter or another that couldn’t seem to wait until the next day. When stressed, he tantrumed like a child.  He often compained that he felt trapped although there didnt seem to be any reason.   He demanded care and understanding because he worked so hard. Sometimes he was vulnerable and loving and at other times he was hurt and rageful.  Her husband seemed to have low self-esteem that did not increase with the flood of positive feedback that came often from the clients to whom he over-gave… an over-giving that was often at the expense of the family.  Her husband seemed to be a black hole of need.  He was quite accomplished in his career and yet did not  believe in himself; did not see himself as a man of worth.  That was how he appeared before disclosure. 

Read the rest of Differing Realities

What does it mean to forgive someone who has lied or broken emotional, religious, ethical and verbal vows?  What does it mean to forgive someone who has emotionally, verbally, sexually, spiritually abused another?  How can one be expected to forgive  the unforgivable?  How can forgiveness be suggested to the victim of such behavior?  Can a murderer be forgiven?  Can an adulterer be forgiven?  A molester? A parent who has yelled at a child every night of their young life?

Does forgiveness benefit the victim or does it simply offer a “free pass” to the perpetrator? 

In a series of articles I will begin to explore the process of forgiveness.  Forgiving others, forgiving self and moving toward reconciliation and healing ultimately elevates the self. 

Read the rest of Forgiveness, Healing, Exoneration and Reconciliation

Having worked with hundreds of couples, addicts and partners in my over 15 years of specializing in sex addiction treatment, I notice the following:

The sex addicts’ progress in recovery is directly related to how hard the addict works. Recovery from sex addiction requires 100% time and effort as this is a well entrenched life long pattern of behavior.

Meetings alone do not define “recovery”. Meetings are a wonderful forum for reducing shame, connecting with fellow sufferers, developing a support system and checking-in with emotional issues and struggles.

The deeper, root level changes which secure long term recovery require deep work and a willigness and readiness to look at and face oneself – character defects and all.

Read the rest of Reflections on Recovery

Having worked with hundreds of couples in failing marriages due to infidelity (masturbation with pornography is a betrayal) since 1993, following are the top 10 behaviors the “betrayer” can do to restore trust and promote the healing of complex wounds of the betrayed partner-

1. Have gratitude every day that your partner has stayed with you
another day
2. Rebuild trust with right thinking and right behavior.
3. Remain always humble and contrite
4. Thank your partner every day for staying with you
5. Remember that your words mean nothing because you lied,
cheated, betrayed the most sacred and vulnerable relational
expectation – that you would remain faithful. Consistent action
every day heals
6. Remind yourself that committing adultry is selfish
and self-centered. You were thinking only of what you wanted
when you acted out.
7. Act selfless and other-centered. Ask your partner about the hurt
pain, and sadness you have caused every day
8. Readily admit your wrongs
9. Remind yourself it is better to be happy than to be right. Forego
petty arguments and let go of your ego. Remember what you did.
10. Live in the truth that, for your partner, your marriage is over. The
marriage your partner thought was real was a lie.

Trust must be rebuilt for a marriage to be rebuilt. Begin now. Stop apologizing and start behaving with integrity and humility.

With Peace
Michele